A Brief History of Me

Hi there,

I find blogging sort of insufferable. In a time of Youtube, it has quickly fallen out of favor. Reading blogs has become something stay at home moms do so they don't feel so alone when they spend their long days stuck in a house with a screaming infant and a needy toddler. Teenagers and young adults don't care. If the emerging prevalence of "listicles" are any indication, even reading for information has gotten too much. If there is no accompanying silly gif to help put a point across, is there even a point at all? And with Tumblr being so popular, it's a place where you can blog but mostly it's just quotes from your favorite John Green book occasionally punctuated by a text post about how no one "gets" you or how the boy you like (but have never actually spoken to) has a girlfriend and OHMYGODEVERYTHINGSUCKSMYLIFEISOVER. I know, I spent five long years on Tumblr.

But I like blogs sometimes. They can be incredibly personal. They are like reading someone's diary. Although most people don't get that personal on blogs anymore. They've become an industry where you post recipes that are interspersed with cute little family anecdotes or tips on getting your three month old to sleep through the night, although I am not entirely sure three month olds sleep through the night. I don't know. I don't have kids, I am just a college student who likes to read herself think. 

As I begin my adventure on applying for another Disney College Program, I have discovered that I need a place to rant. Not to my friends who just keep telling me not to do another one, not to my sister who is also applying (but for her first) so I do not want to freak her out. Just a place in general where no one is gonna actually read it, or hear it, or think about it. I need to get these thoughts out, though, because otherwise I just think the same thing over and over again until I drive myself reasonably insane. 

So here is what you might need to know about me provided that you think reading a blog about a girl in the process of applying for another DCP (and professional internships) interesting. Or a hilarious spectacle of a millennial living in a "look-at-me" world who is starving for attention. First and foremost, my name is Natalie. I am currently a senior in college, graduating in May with a degree I regret (psychology) and a minor I love (English). I am wholly unemployable and am probably doomed to live out my days working as a teller at a bank (which is what I do now). 

My Disney story is not unique, not special, not amazing. I did my cp (college program for those not in the loop, which is hilarious that I think this might be a problem considering there is probably literally no one reading this) during from January 2014- August 2014, Spring Advantage program. I worked at Innoventions in Epcot, which even the most seasoned Disney goers have a tendency to have never visited. It's an "edu-tainment" facility full of interactive learning experiences. I was a presenter which means that I "presented" shows that taught people about really exciting things like "green living" and "healthy habits." If you have only ever been to Disneyland and went to their Innoventions there, do not compare them. Their Innoventions (from what I hear) is actually amazing fun. It has Marvel exhibits and meet and greets with Super Heroes. That sounds Great. Innoventions at Epcot just teaches you how to make sure your home can stand up against hurricanes, which isn't even relevant to half the world's population (that is an uneducated assumption). 

I was not "pixie dusted" when the program started because, in general, I am a realist. But by the end of the program, I was the completely opposite of "pixie dusted." I wasn't even a realist. I was cynical and depressed. I literally thought more about killing myself than most other things in my life. I had great personal tragedies on the program, some of which still inflict me today. I suffered a lot during the last couple of months of my program to the point where I, to this day, am surprised I am still alive, let alone didn't just flat out self-term (quit). 

And why do I want to go back? That's what my "home" friends ask me all the time. They want to know why I want to go back somewhere that sent me spiraling into this darkness that they could only see a fraction of. But what they don't understand is that I would have had these problems at home too. Yes, being in Florida did not help the issues that I was suffering but I have had depression my entire life, and it just got bad down there. It could have easily gotten bad here too. Also, there is something about Disney that is addicting. Even though I wasn't a straight up obsessed "Dis-nerd" at all throughout the entire length of my program, and still don't think I am, I still find myself thinking about Disney all the time. I still think about going back. I miss it every single day.

And so I am applying again. I want to go back to the first place where I ever felt truly at home. I want to go home.