Absolution of Sin

I linked to my Tumblr on this blog for some reason, although I stopped using Tumblr the same day my college program ended save for like one or two text posts that I just had to get out because it was consuming me. Well, since I linked to it, I clicked the link to make sure it works and then I started scrolling through it and now I feel miserable. There are a lot of memories that came up from the last weeks of my college program. Even the passing text post that has no context and no explanation hurt because I am the one who wrote them and I suddenly remember everything that was eating me alive those months.

I would love to tell you about Luke, but I don't like how it ends. It's a good story, I think, like the Nicole Story, but the ending is more that of a tragedy. I am convinced that I am over it, although my therapist claims that I am not. But reading through those text posts when I was in the thick of it, how Luke left without ever saying goodbye, how he just threw me out without a second thought killed me. The fact that we went from hanging out every night together, getting drunk and talking about things that I literally never talked to anyone about even Nicole at the time, and then suddenly nothing. Nothing at all. It felt like hitting a concrete wall going eighty miles an hour. 

I read through the text posts backwards, from the despair, to the confusion, to the anger, to the happiness. I don't know why I was mad at him though. I don't know why he was mad at me. I don't know why literally one day we were watching fireworks together, and literally the next day he was ignoring my texts or I was ignoring his. I don't know what happened in those two days. I don't remember why this all got so out of hand. And I wish I did. I wish I knew what I did wrong. He was... Something else, and he really kept me together when my world first started to falter and crack, but then suddenly he stopped trying to be a fix and started to become a catalyst for disaster. And I don't know why.

[Redacted]

But going through these posts I see how many attempts he did make and I refused to allow. So many little things that I didn't let him get away with that I should have. We were two selfish people striving to be the bigger hard ass in our relationship and in the end we destroyed ourselves. Neither of us are innocent. And now, six months later, I would kill to make this right.

Not every Disney Friendship is healthy, not every Disney Friendship is forever.